How to set positive limits on children

It is very likely that you have ever heard that children need limits for them to have good behavior, but there are parents who question this premise and believe that it is not necessary to educate children. But the reality is that children need to cope with the urge to do something they want and learn self-control in order to avoid inappropriate behaviors. Limits teach children that they themselves are capable of regulating their behavior, thus learning self-discipline.

DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES

There are parents who follow a permissive parenting when educating their children because they do not like to set limits and that their little ones get angry or have tantrums . They are also not interested in making their children sad or angry with them. But by not setting limits, over time, children will not develop the ability to tolerate frustration or manage their emotions . These children will not be able to control their behaviors because they have never seen it necessary and they can become selfish children.

Other parents presume that they have no problem setting limits for their children and take pride in the quick obedience their children have to their commands within an authoritarian upbringing. Children can often listen until adolescence when they will begin to realize that they have not developed an ability to think for themselves. Children who have grown up in an authoritarian environment will find it more difficult to control their anger, they can become bullies or victims of bullying, and what is worse, when they reach adulthood they can have more problems with depression.

FINDING THE BALANCE IS FINDING THE SOLUTION

In order to establish appropriate limits, it is necessary to find a balance between the permissive and the authoritarian, because being flexible will be the only way to find a suitable way for children to understand what you want, feeling that you respect them and are by their side.

The reality is that there is a middle ground that falls into balance to be able to work the limits successfully with children. Children develop optimally when we set limits when necessary, but when done with empathy . Empathy will make the limits you put on your children to be accepted in a better way and they will not resist so much because they will feel that you are on their side and not on the other side. This will allow you to internalize the rules and the reason for them.

You must remember that it is not the setting of the limits itself that works, but how it is established and the value that is given to each limit. But what does it mean to set limits with empathy for them to be effective?

SET LIMITS WITH EMPATHY

In order to establish limits with empathy and for children to have good behavior without feeling that they are being imposed, you must work on emotions. In the world of emotions, it is very important to work on your own in order to later be able to take into account and better understand the emotions of your children. Thus children will feel respected and valued at all times and will be more open to accept the limits that they consider coherent and appropriate for their proper development.

To achieve this it is necessary that you establish a strong connection with your children, so that they know and feel that you will always be by their side. When something happens or you want to set limits, you should always see it first from the point of view of your children, what can they think of those limits that you are setting? Offer your empathy so that he can realize that you are not setting the limits to make him mad, if not for his good.

In addition, it is very important to resist the temptation to be punitive with children , if you only set limits to teach a lesson to your children, but do not work with empathy or assertiveness, your children will only feel an imposition and negative feelings. For example, if your son does not clean his room and without talking about it you punish him without leaving … he will not understand why you have punished him. He needs you to guide him and before it happens you warn him for example with this phrase: “If you do not pick up your room we will not be able to go to the park”, so he will have the option of choosing to pick up the room to go to the park or not and accept the consequences .

As parents, you should stop thinking only from your perspective, so it is necessary that you see your life from your point of view and also from the point of view of your child. The limits you set should not be abusive, nor should they exist to control your child’s life in all aspects.

Limits exist in order to guide and educate children so that they learn to control their impulses and understand their emotions . Life with limits is about emotional connection with your children and discovering the feelings your child may have about limits and frustration. It is not necessary to say “no” to everything, nor is it necessary to make a war for anything … it is very important to know how to choose the right battles.

WHAT ARE THE APPROPRIATE LIMITS?

If you think about this to educate your children, I am sure you will know the correct answer. Children need to feel physical and emotional security for themselves, and security for others is not negotiable. Treating others with respect is important, and you should teach your children to relate to others with assertiveness in order to express what they feel and their needs without attacking anyone under any circumstances.

The rules, as your child grows, will change depending on the needs that he requires. All the rules will change over time and children must learn to control their own impulses. For example, they will need to learn to regulate their impulses when they want to interrupt you while you are talking to another adult. But if you are watching what happens, you should feel his thoughts and help him in the process: “When I finish speaking, you can tell me what is bothering you.”

It will also be necessary that you begin to see their needs to establish new norms, for example, in adolescents it is a good idea to establish norms for the use of new technologies ( limit the time ) or so that they can sleep the hours they need during the night. It is necessary to establish necessary limits and make sure that you have a good emotional connection with your children to offer them adequate empathy.