How to deal with a troubled teenager

Adolescence is a delicate stage in which the pubescent has already begun to change both physically and psychologically. This phase is aimed at seeking their personal identity, interacting more with their peers as they move away from their parents. This separation is not always done in a favorable way, but disagreements arise through the middle, anger and arguments.

There are times that without eating or drinking it we find that our adolescent child begins to show signs of misbehavior: he answers us, he disobeys us, he ignores us … What is happening? When did it start to be so confrontational? The situation worsens when, in addition to disobeying ourselves, we suspect that they consume drugs (tobacco, alcohol …) or associate with bad company. Parents have to continue to support their children as best they can, but it is sometimes difficult to do so when adolescent misbehavior becomes unsustainable.

KEEP CALM

Very easy to say but difficult to do. This is perhaps the most important advice but the most difficult to carry out. Most likely, you have been watching the situation from afar for a long time, you have endured, but your patience has run out . Well, you have to continue and not explode. Making a scene suddenly will only serve to turn them against you and deteriorate your relationship more than it is. It is preferable to speak things in an orderly way in time than to hold out until one cannot take it anymore and explodes.

BE FIRM WITH THE RULES AND CONSEQUENCES.

First we must check that we have made the house rules very clear and explained. We cannot be ambiguous because the adolescent will take advantage of that , as soon as you do not specify a norm, adolescents can swing and understand what “they feel like”. For example, avoid phrases such as “don’t be late” or “I want you here before dinner time”, they can appeal that there are times when you eat late for example … Choose others where the time and consequences are specified, emphasizing on the good of following the rules: “remember, at 9 o’clock at home, if you meet it next weekend you can also go out until that time, if you arrive late it will be deducted from the next day.” Keep in mind that you have to meet the consequences for this to be effective.

Likewise, when we send them homework you must also clearly specify what you want, you cannot ask for something general if you do not have to specify. For example, don’t say “clean up your room”, change it to “pick up the bedding and vacuum up the dust.” You may think that it is their duty and as such you should not be making things so easy for them, but with a conflictive teenager it is better to give in and get a little to cover a lot and lose it.

PUNISHMENTS MUST BE ADJUSTED

It is better to impose light punishments but that are fulfilled than very fat punishments that end up being lifted. We give an example, if you punish your troubled child all month for being an hour late on Friday, you will surely end up lifting the punishment at some point or letting him go out even for a few hours when he has been home for several days, more than anything because it is impossible 100% control his behavior, if you punish him without going out and in a way you also punish yourself because you have to be watching that he is complying with it. Would you or your partner be willing to stay home every weekend of a month to monitor that the punishment is carried out? Keep it real. Instead, you can tell him that for every minute late is 2 minutes less than he has to go out the next day.For example, if you arrive at 10 p.m. instead of 9 a.m. on Friday, Saturday, you will have to be home by 8 a.m. That will surely annoy him more because in the first place it is a punishment that you can control easily and without sacrificing yourself, and because it is more realistic and specific. Also having to see how his friends stay longer while he has to leave will annoy him a lot.

Another easy-to-control punishment for older teens is that if they are late with their arrival time, you force them to get up early the next day and don’t let them touch the bed all day. For example, if they had to return at 1 but returned at 2, the next day they will have to wake up at 7 to prepare breakfast and take their brother to the game (or for whatever else you think is convenient).

Punishments should never be given when you are angry, it is better that you specify them at the same time that you discuss the rules with him.

SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILD

The best way to prevent your child’s misbehavior is to spend time with him and get to know each other better. There are parents who cannot bear the idea of ​​spending time with someone with whom they are always arguing, they prefer to be alone and rest. You have to make an effort, if you want to improve the relationship with the adolescent you have to get involved in his life and get to know him more, it is logical. Make an effort to share their likes. He will also see that you try to put yourself in his place and that you are able to speak without arguing.

BE REASONABLE AND GIVE IN EVERY NOW AND THEN

One way to improve your relationship with your child is to give in to their requests from time to time whenever they ask in advance, talking and giving you reasons for it. For example, if he asks you for more time to stay at a party and he gives you minimally reasonable reasons, consider giving in even if you don’t like it very much. First because you will be showing that words and communication are the key to success , and secondly because you show him that you trust him, which will make him feel good because you will be recognizing him as an autonomous and responsible being.

In the same way, avoid silly discussions that lead nowhere. You should turn a blind eye to issues that do not really affect their education. For example, if your son takes to dressing in a bizarre way, forcing him to change his style will not do much (as long as it does not cause other serious problems), only for you to end up angry and for him to become more radical than before.

GO TO A PSYCHOLOGIST

If you see that the relationship between the two of you is getting worse, don’t wait any longer and go to a psychologist who can help you. Do not think that the situation will resolve itself over time or that they are things of age. If you suspect that he is in bad company, things will not solve themselves, on the contrary, it is most likely that they will get worse.