Why we should not force children to kiss older people

When we meet family or close friends we always tell our children to go give them a kiss. But what if the child does not want to? it is an uncomfortable situation for the child, for the other person and even for us. We see how the child suddenly runs away and stands behind our legs looking askance at the adult. What to do then? To laugh? Get angry? Downplay it? In short, should we force the child to give a kiss if he does not want to?

There are many opinions about it, in favor and also against. Among those who are in favor of “forcing” them, they defend that they should get used to doing it more by social norm than by affection, a kiss is not given only for love, if not for education , and many understand that the kiss is a form of social learning, to make them less shy and more educated. They also think that our society is slowly becoming colder because we reward distancing and that it is thoughts like these that promote coldness and lack of empathy with others.

SO SHOULD WE FORCE THE KISS?

From the point of view of many psychologists it is not correct to force them to kiss if they do not want to for various reasons.

1- Respect the will of the child. There are children who when they reach a certain age stop kissing, or at least not as many as at first. Why? It may be because of shyness, because you don’t know the person well, because you disgust doing it or simply because you have a bad day and are angry. When that situation occurs, should we insist? Put yourself in the child’s place, would you like to be forced to kiss someone when you don’t feel like it? imagine the scene, how would you feel?

2- Question of meaning. For us a kiss is just a social norm. Here in Spain we are used to giving two kisses to say hello and say goodbye. However, for children who are still small, kisses are a token of love , so it is not right for them to do it in a forced way, they should not be left with the idea of ​​having to do something they do not want with their body just for not offend another person , much less make them feel bad about themselves for refusing. If your child does not know, does not want or simply does not feel enough trust towards that person, their opinion should be respected, not teach them to open their physical space even without being comfortable.

If we respect their decision, we are helping to protect themselves in the future against people who want to go beyond their limits. They must learn that their body is theirs and that only he has the right to make decisions about it . Don’t take denial as an offense, interpret it from their point of view.

3- It will not get colder. If he is going through a stage where your son refuses to kiss, don’t worry, even if he refuses to give it to the family that does not mean that he will become more distant with you. He will give the kisses when he really feels like it and feels like it. Even forcing him will only make him feel more reluctant to do what he doesn’t want to do.

4- More vulnerable to possible abuse. It may sound a bit exaggerated, however, if we force a kiss when they do not want to, we are cutting the natural barrier that man as a species has created since the beginning of time , a barrier that separates us from the unknown and in a way protects us. If they do not learn to say “no” to physical contact with another person when they are little, they may be left with the idea that being affectionate with strangers is the same as being polite , that is, that we have to do things that we do not like alone for pleasing other people.

BY FORCING THEM TO KISS WE ARE TRANSMITTING TO THEM THAT THEY DO NOT OWN THEIR BODY

WHAT SHOULD I DO THEN?

It is best not to give importance to the subject and never try to force the child to do something that he does not want with his body. If you like your son to say hello and kiss him goodbye, the best way to do it is to first ask him directly but without insisting , and always making it clear that it is because he wants to and as a way of saying hello: “Do you greet your aunt with A kiss?” . If he says not to leave him and do not insist, he will give it when you feel like it, you will avoid an uncomfortable moment for everyone present. Normally, as children mature they begin to differentiate love kisses from courtesy kisses and the fastest way is for them to see you do it . By observing that you give two kisses when greeting and saying goodbye, they will end up imitating you and adapting to social norms.

Even within the family parents should not pressure their children to kiss them, more than anything because you will only get them to get overwhelmed and to be more closed in band . During their development, children will go through stages in which they are very affectionate and even heavy and others in which they are more surly, whatever stage is respected.

Finally, parents should have a chat with their son or daughter and explain the difference between being polite and being loving. Affection must be given because it comes out of us, because we like the other person and we appreciate them … Not as a way to please. Therefore, teach him to be kind , empathetic and respectful, remember that there are many ways to be polite with people without having to kiss , do not confuse concepts.