When the father is jealous of the baby
We discuss the causes of why a father may be jealous of his baby and what we can do as a couple.
With the arrival of a new member of the family, routines, schedules and customs are upset and radically change. Everything is different, everything is new. Mothers usually adapt faster to the new situation than fathers, it is normal, it takes a while to reorganize family life . However, there are times when the father does not quite adapt to the changes and may feel displaced and misplaced for a time.
During the first months after the arrival of a baby, a special and unique bond is formed between the mother and the little one. All the attention of the mother falls on the little one, everything revolves around him, from the most insignificant activities to the topics of conversation. Thus, men who may have been used to having all of the woman’s concerns and attentions fall on him can become jealous and insecure of their own children . It is not that they think that their wife is going to stop loving them because of the baby’s arrival, but they may feel displaced, as if they are not being taken into account. All this will also depend on the behavior that the woman has towards him.
Sometimes it is true that with the arrival of the baby the mother becomes so obsessed with wanting to do everything well that she does not delegate responsibilities, and despite being exhausted, she monopolizes all the care. The result is an exhausted and cranky mother, and a distraught father, who does not know what his new role is or how to collaborate.
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WHEN IS THE FATHER MOST LIKELY TO BE JEALOUS OF THE SON?
When the father is insecure and has low self-esteem. Men with this profile may feel that women will stop loving them over time. They may feel ignored and useless. After childbirth, the female body is still a pump of hormones, therefore, mood swings , irritability, lack of sleep, continuous fatigue and the overwhelm that the mother may feel, will make the couple think that they are getting tired of the.
More common is when the mother’s partner is not the child’s biological father . In these cases, the woman has to go with leaden feet because the man will be more likely to sit in the background. It is important that she makes him understand that she needs him at all times to take care of the baby.
On the other hand, if parenthood was something that caught you by surprise, the father is more likely to be jealous of the baby, in the sense that they associate the child with the end of leisure, sex and all kinds of rewarding activities. It is more common in somewhat immature or a little selfish men (but this does not mean that they are bad people). You have to be aware of the little one 24 hours a day, whether he is asleep or awake, he also becomes the center of all conversations between the two.
It also happens that the father suddenly finds himself spending a Saturday at the supermarket buying diapers. And it is that being aware of how much their life has changed in such a short time is a hard blow for them. Many tend to take refuge in work by lengthening their hours and doing overtime, they may say that it is because they need more money now that they are three, but the other reality is that they are overwhelmed.
WHAT SHOULD THE COUPLE DO TO RESOLVE THE SITUATION?
Both the father and the mother can do a lot to find a solution:
1- Communication above all.
You have to talk to each other and express your feelings with all sincerity, being very specific and clear about what you think is wrong about the other person’s behavior, but without judging him directly, only his behavior. It is not the same to say “Yesterday you did this, you behaved in a selfish way” (something concrete that does not have to be repeated) to “You are selfish” (personality characteristic that is more difficult to change). It is important that you express yourself but with all the respect in the world, without offending the other person.
2- Have more loving details with each other.
Now more than ever is when your partner most needs you to give him love , to tell him how much you love him, even if you no longer share as many moments together as before. Offer to do things for the other, give him a little surprise or just a kiss before leaving home. Those little details end up making a difference.
3- Find moments for yourselves.
It is or yes, if time and money allow it. Once in a while, make a plan together, even if it’s only for a couple of hours.
4- Do not neglect sex .
It sounds easy right? Well not at all. After childbirth and especially during the first weeks, the woman is not usually especially receptive, rather the opposite, the demands of the baby and the accumulated fatigue make sex that great unknown. In this sense, men should not put pressure on couples, they have to accept that the situation has changed and that sex has changed as well. But that does not mean that it has to disappear, if not that you have to find other moments in which both of you are more prone and in a better mood.
5- If you are the mother, try to involve your partner in caring for the baby.
Men tend to feel jealous of the baby but sometimes also of the mother because they feel excluded from the relationship. It is an ambiguous feeling. Ask him for help, delegate responsibilities, you don’t want to do it all by yourself. In this way, you will make the father participate in the family dynamics and also your body and mind will thank you.
6- If you are the parent, make an effort to get involved in the child’s care .
If you do not see yourself capable at least take care of the house, when a baby arrives at a house there is always something that can be done: clean, put the washing machine, make the food … no excuses! Educate yourself, read books or articles on parenting, and show your partner how much you know about it. You can also talk to other parents about how they manage to take care of the little ones. Sharing experiences between parents is very enriching and you can unburden yourself with others who are in the same situation.
7-Go to a professional.
If you see that the situation is overwhelming you, go to a psychologist or another type of professional who can advise you. A large percentage of couples end up separating one year after the birth of their first child. It is a very delicate stage that we must not miss.
Dr. Tabriella Perivolaris, Sara's mother and fan of fashion, beauty, motherhood, among others, about the female universe. Since 2018 she has been working as a copywriter, always bringing to her articles a little of her experience and experience as a mother and woman.